I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
