You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
