listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
