I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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