My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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