Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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