Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
