my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
