i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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