I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
