My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
