I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I supernannyed him into submission
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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