Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So much rum. So many feels.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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