All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
