Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
