i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
