and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
