You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
