did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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