I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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