Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
