the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Shame is for Republicans.
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