The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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