What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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