you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize