Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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