My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
