Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Randomize
