My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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