I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
