I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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