You don't have asthma, your pregnant
wrigley field is MILF paradise
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
