Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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