I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
