I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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