Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
