How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
