I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
