Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
