What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
