I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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