My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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