She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
