new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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