I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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