Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
