I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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