i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i may or may not be watching the land before time
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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