i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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