Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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