Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
