Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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