Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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