Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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