everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
