Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
