i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dicks are not precious.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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