I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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