I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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