I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
try to milk me bitch
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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