I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
