Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
