I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize