I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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