I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
