I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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