I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
